JUNE! JUNE! JUNE!

it's 14 days until my birthday. as a kid, my birthday was often either close - to or the actual last day of school. it was pretty awesome. the middle day of the middle month shall once again be the most looked forward day of the year! i am focusing on june being awesome, if only in my reaction to stuff. i am kicking off this determination by watching arrested development while compiling expense reports. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!

fascinating improv read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_de_Maat

having had christina gausas for a class recently, and currently being in a VERY deeply reflective period, reading about this gentleman really puts a fire in my bones about teaching and coaching. i have been thinking about constructive notes - notes that basically instruct you in a way of getting over a hump or difficulty or habit, without necessarily explaning what that barrier is, and descriptive notes, which tell you what you are doing wrong without necessarily helping you get past it. i really want to start coaching soon. the teacher often learns more than the student and i really need to learn.

the other thing i have been thinking about is playing honest and playing real... i am still missing something in my 'real' reactions. they are often still too commentate-y. but when i try to react 'in character' i end up doing a false, improv-y reaction. i have to work on that. not sure how.

once i finish this current class i am in (gethard 504), i am class-less for awhile. i have been told it's a good thing to have a break... but i don't think it is. i want to keep working on stuff. if i stop, i am absolutely going to backslide into my worst habits. it's inevitable. i don't have a regularly rehearsing group right now, so i will likely only do the occasional show all summer unless i put together another group... ugh sauce. no deal.

in other news, if anyone sees one of the reusable VENTI starbucks cold cups that look like the real cold cups, buy it and i will pay you for it. be sure to check the bottom of the mug though, the grande reusable cups are the same size as the disposable venti cups. the venti reusable cups are taller and say '20 ounces' on the bottom. woot.

back up, start it again

i feel like going backwards.

like i AM going backwards.

frustrated and tired and dull.

in so many things in my life, i wish my reaction to pain and frustration wasn't negative.

even happy cat isn't doing it for me today:

just measure my damn chest

i've gone to three different stores trying to get measured for a bra. i know every bra i am wearing right now is the WRONG size. however, every single time i go in, i get overwhelmed and freaked out and then i pretend i am shopping for something else entirely. today, i even bought something else. i don't know who i was trying to fool, it's not like anyone else knew i what i was planning to do when i walked in the gap. also, i used to work at the gap, i hated having to measure people for bras, i don't want someone else to have to do that. it's just weird. i don't let anyone else look at my lady bits, what makes YOU different, woman in a black suit at victoria's secret? hmmm?!

re: the gap, both things i bought today were terrible and are going back tomorrow. along with the jeans i bought last week. apparently i think i am made of money. also, i bought the new jeans before realizing that i'd lost 10-15 pounds and i am sure that won't stay off since 1) i like my ass and 2) the 'don't eat lunch because you don't have time at work and then forget to eat dinner since your night was filled with activities that don't provide easy access to filling food' diet is probably not going to catch on.

my birthday is soon. i am trying to decide what to do for it. i'd like to find a bar/restaurant with an outdoor area which is fairly inexpensive and is not way out of my way (since it's my birthday y'all). i am definitely doing something this year. i didn't last year and it was sucky. suggestions welcome.

the laundromat was closed for memorial day. thusly, i washed socks in the sink. big whiskey and the groogrux king er, leaked. sorry, DMB. i, of course, plan on buying for legit soon. actually, it will probably be my last purchase at virgin union square. i am intrigued by some aspects, disappointed by others, and made hopeful by others. so much better than i was fearing. i plan on listening to it a lot more and really trying to get into it. update to come. yeah probably not.

'LOST' is a club

one i could easily join, and yet persist in avoiding because of laziness. oh hey, childhood. what's up.

CYCLES.

twitter and tumblr are full of my random thoughts much more than this ole thang recently. i think in part because i feel the need to be serious or honest here, and i don't feel much like doing either of late.

in fact, that's not true - i just don't feel like engaging in either emotion in order to write. surface level is easier than deep.

look octopus!

Why It Is Important

I am failing at being articulate today so I am posting the mostly unexpanded / edited thoughts I had last night, in response to my improv instructor's comments about not 'doing it for Harold night/quitting if you don't get on a team'.

I do it because of it, not for it. This is the first time in my life I have worked this hard at something i am not good pretty quickly. I have that kind of personality, as much as I try to fight it. I am lazy and I like to be successful and have people notice how successful I am. Improv is... the sustained 'want' of it is so visible and apparent -- a want that is visible not only to one other person, the way a confessed crush would be, or perhaps to an additional handful of friends, but rather apparent to EVERYONE in the community whose opinion and talent AND friendship you value. To put this into some kind of perspective, I don't open myself up to that kind of inspection and subsequent rejection in ANY other part of my life. In fact, I assiduously avoid it, to the point where I don't even tell people I have crushes on them until 2 years after they've moved to another state.

That's a little bit why it makes us so crazy. The want is deep and fresh and apparent... and it makes it harder to pull any positive emotion out over that scorned hurt. And at the end of the day... I understand people not being able to deal with that, and just leaving over the pain of it. I get it. If you love the game/girl/boy/artform, and the game/girl/boy/artform keeps rejecting you... man it's hard to keep at it.

I should add that you should not stalk people. Not even two years later when they've moved to a different state.

In 'conclusion', if I am not on a team in X number of years... which is likely given the breadth and depth of talent in NYC improv right now... I will stop trying, eventually. I assume. I don't know. I don't want to stop trying... but I can imagine a situation where quitting trying is the best thing to do for me. Anyway. Read above note on articulation ability today.

i ALWAYS do this

when the woman i get on the phone on AmEx travel is the dumb one, i pretend i am getting a call from my boss and that i will have to take it and call them back, as opposed to trying to deal with her.

she'd screwed up travel stuff several times though for my people so i think i am justified in it. i just feel like an asshole every time i do it.